The kingdom

Kingdom obsession. I am becoming wrecked. Jesus said abide in me. He is the vine. There is no life apart from him. What if I lived like that. I feel like I am entering into a whole other realm. I have sold most of my things and given up my job but it does not even feel like a sacrifice. I am beginning to really get the parable of the priceless pearl. The kingdom is so much more than we could ever dream and worth every sacrifice along the way. Those of us who are wealthy find it much harder to enter the kingdom. So much stuff and so many distractions along the way. We are rich in the world yet ever so poor in the kingdom. Barely survuving off of crumbs when we were meant to feast. Consoling ourselves and justifying our experiences yet remaining kingdom paupers. I feel like my experience with the kingdom is getting nearer. There are moments where I enter and receive all that is needed and faith joy and peace unspeakable flood my entire being. A part of me knows I am meant to live...to abide here yet my mind is still being renewed and I seem to drift in and out of this promise...this kingdom coming...this heaven on earth. Never before have I been so acutely aware of jesus call to pray that His will would be done on earth as it is in heaven. In heaven there is continual praise and no question of His goodness. He is goodness itself. Love itself. There is no lack. There is no want. There is only perfect peace and joy. I find that now that God has stripped me of everything I am able to long for the one thing that truly matters. The King and His Kingdom. There are a few prayers I have prayed that have driven my life...they have driven every decision to consciously bend my will when He has asked things of me I did not want to give. They are the prayers He holds in His heart and answers above any other cry in my fits of rage or saddness, loss or willfulness. It is the simple prayer of a fifteen year old girl captured by the love of Her King and drawn into the mystery of the call to follow. It is the prayer that no matter what happens that He would never let me get away with less than everything for Him. In those sweet moments of childlike surrender and complete rapture in His presence I signed my life away to follow Him and bring Him glory. He has been faithful to this one prayer. When I have wandered, when I have questioned, when I have served and when I have walked bold facely away He has never let me go. He has broken me, He has bent my will, He has humbled me, He has consumed me and when I thought I was ready He has called me even deeper into surrender and faith and I can see it is all worth it for just a place just a seat in His kingdom. There are glimpses lately through the fog of religion and wealth I am seeing a promise become clearer and clearer. The closer I get and the more I let go the more simple and obvious it becomes. It is all about Him and He is so good. He is so good. The most beautiful gift on earth holds no comparison to the King and His Kingdom. Will we lay down our lives for Him. Will we joyfully surrender to Him our status, our wealth, our accomplishments, or relationships, our things and will we join with Paul in saying I count it ALL a loss compared to the supassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things...i consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him... such freedom and cannot be described and no words can substitute for the joy of walking in this Way. How I have longed for this and I see I am onlu just beginning...

There is a first time for everything...

Funny story: I went to get shots for my trip to Africa. It turns out I need seven and thats not including yellow fever which I may need to get a bit later. Vaccines still seem a bit strange to me and the idea of getting them all at once messes with me a bit. Sure. Inject me with deadly diseases. All at once. Go ahead I can take it. So I guess 5 is the max that they are allowed to poison you with at once. Only five deadly diseases at a time. Why thank you. So the night before I'm dreaming about being injected over and over and them missing my veins which goes to show that my subconscious mind does not understand vaccinations and is a little confused regarding getting blood drawn and shots---but hey the obvious point is that I was not too excited about being poked in the arm with a needle. I woke up late and rushed to get myself ready and out the door to be at my 10:00 appointment (don't judge). Grabbed my coffee and I was on my way. Loving life and just ready to get this over with. I made small talk with the couple next to me with the new baby and enjoyed my book (one of twelve I am reading before going to Africa). I am called in. I must say I rarely experience pain. I have been healthy all my life. I am allergic to nothing and blessed to have never broken a bone, never had an extreme illness and now that I'm a teacher I rarely get sick. Because of this I probably have a low tolerance for pain and I also do not seem to respect normal rules at times. Not on purpose I just seem to always be okay without following things "by the book". Well anyway, she asks me if I had eaten anything. I had not. But I wasn't worried. She looked a little worried and gave me an apple juice and mumbled some things about eating before all of these shots. I continued to read my book while she prepared the concoctions of poison she was about to inject into my body. She gave me another juice and I heard her tell another nurse in a worried voice that I had not eaten anything. Hmmm...I start to wonder... should I be worried? Should I go and eat and come back? Nah. I'll be fine lets just get this over with. And I continued reading. She then came into the room and did the deed. It was pretty quick and painless. Two in one arm and three in the other. Not that I liked it or anything. I'm giving my body a peptalk in my head. Ok. You can take this. You got this. I'm imagining the diseases entering my body and suddenly starting to not feel so good. Typhiod, menengicocal meningitis, hepititis A, hep B and the tetnus one. All of a sudden I'm like...why am I doing this? Could I have spread it out. Wow. I feel sick....and thats the last thing I remember :)

The next thing I know there are five women swirling around me and I can't move my neck and I have NO idea where I am. Lol. It took me a good 30-40 sec to realize what was happening. My body was contorted in the weirdest position on the tile floor and it was impossible to lift my head and change my position. Lol. They finally stretched me out and checked all my vitals. They pricked my finger without telling me to get a blood sample. That hurt worse than the shots! I answered the same questions five times. Once for every nurse who entered to help. I learned that one of the nurses had seen me fall and hit my head. That was comforting. Finally they did a rather awkward job of putting me on the straight-board. One of the nurses dropped her cell phone on my throbbing head and then almost did it again before another nurse graciously offered to hold it for her. I don't know what was worse, the pain in my neck or the realization that these ladies did not know what they were doing and they could drop or flip me any second and I would have no way to catch myself. Looking back I think its probably safe to say I had a concussion. I remember having enough presence of mind to think "I am not paying for an MRI". Even in all that pain there was no way I was going to let my Africa fund be leeched by medical bills. I was pretty sure I was fine but they wouldn't let me move. Evidently if you complain of neck pain you have just sealed your fate and are sure to be in the ER for much longer than you want. They left me in the ER with the flouresent lights beating down on me and still strapped into the straight-board assuring me that the doctor would be there in a second.
I called my friend who is a paramedic and answered all the same questions to him on the phone that had been asked by the five nurses in the clinic. The doctor arrived and cleared me to go when I proved I could sit up and turn my neck. I was off the hook. No MRI's for me. I kind of stumbled out the door of the ER which of course was no where near my car or the clinic I had entered. After walking in circles (just a bit) I dizzily found my way back to my starting point. Looking back they could have done a couple things differently but hey I'm okay. Just a stiff neck and a great story. I went to buy my malaria medication and finally get some food inside of me and in the meantime I got to share Jesus with two young men as they questioned me about my stiff neck. They seemed to be pretty interested in the idea of me going to Africa and seeing the kingdom and we discussed the idea of miracles. I was still not all there which made it easier to talk about things without a filter. Lol. If only I could live like that always. Interesting thought. Why is it easier to share Jesus with a concussion? Lol. Fewer inhibitions I suppose. Four days later I'm about 80% and the great thing is that my neck hurt so badly I didn't even notice the pain in my arms from the shots :) See there is always a silver lining. I go to get my next two shots in two weeks and I for the first time in my life have a history of reaction to something that I have to share with the nurse. And I guarantee you I will opt to sit in the recliner and ask her to stay in the room until we are sure I am not going to faint. Oh -- and I'm going to eat something beforehand to. See. I learn things--even if its the hard way. At least I learn. Thats what I tell myself :) I'm believing for better things in Africa. Oh and I've decided to take all of my malaria medication. No taking any chances for me. Doesn't that make you feel better mom :)